Emotional Rant

Wow it has been a long time since I have blogged.  In all honesty things have just been really crazy and I never sit down in front of the computer anymore.  I am involved in a christian book study and a regular book study so anytime I am sitting down I feel like I need to be reading instead of on my computer.  For my christian book study we are reading "Everybody Is Normal Until You Get To Know Them" by John Ortberg.  It is sooooo good.  It really digs into everyday relationships and community and what God had in mind for us in both of these aspects.
The book I am reading for my regular book club is called "A Discovery of Witches" by Deborah Harkness.  It is about vampires and witches and an old document that was discovered.
Anywho,
This past month has been a long crazy emotional roller coaster.  On saturday it will be exactly one year that we had a D&C.  I can't believe that it has been that long.  Everyone told us we would get pregnant right away after the D&C and then we didn't.  Then I had the laparoscopy and everyone said we would get pregnant right after that and we didn't.  It has just been a long vicious cycle.  Yes I am hormonal and yes I am emotional.  I know this.  I feel like everyone is trying to change who I am to try and get me out of this rut but the truth is, I am comfortable in my unhappiness right now.  I have always been a very emotional and sensitive person and anytime anything hard comes up in my life I deal with it the same way.  I am who I am and if you don't like it then I suggest you stay away.  I have friends come and go and I would be lying if I said it didn't hurt when they left but I have to move on without them.  I have learned my whole life that nothing is constant and so this pain I am feeling now can not go on forever.  I will always grieve the loss of my twins and never forget them but I know when I finally do have my baby or babies in my arms that the world will be right.  I am going to be a wonderful mom and I can only hope that my children are as sensitive and emotional as I am.  I just  hope that they have more self worth than I do.  I do not nor have I ever thought very highly of myself.  I don't feel as if I bring very much to this world.  There is not one thing that I am good at.  I can't contribute much to intelligent conversation and I barely got by in school.  I have never had a very important job nor have I ever been very important to anyone.  I know my husband and my friends will say they love and care about me but sometimes I wonder why?  My husband is one of the smartest people I know.  When we have conversations he uses his intellect and I am always stuck using my heart and that never gets me very far. One of my best friends Jayme knows everything there is to know about football and the Green Bay Packers.  She writes so eloquently and passionately about sports.  She gets paid to talk about what she loves.  She works for a non-profit and helps people everyday.  My other best friend is a prominent banker and a mother of 4.  She walks through life with her head up and I am so proud of her every day. I am learning to except that I am just average.  As the thunder rumbles outside and the rain starts to come down, I find myself starting to relax.  The rain is my favorite thing.
So now that I have rambled on forever I am going to go.  I hope everyone is having a good wednesday.  Only one more work day for me.  Next week is going to be a good week.  I am taking an acting class and going to my first infertility support group meeting.  I also have the 311 concert next weekend.  This weekend is one of my besties birthdays! So I am going to be busy busy.  I am going to have to catch up on my sleep.  Ta Ta everyone.

mindless chatter

Hello everyone,
I am at work and I just put the kids down.  I am exhausted today.  I don't know if it is all this rain or if it is my hormones.  Since the last time I posted I have had and recovered from my surgery.  I am glad to report that my doctor did find some things.  I ended up having stage 2 endometriosis, lots of scar tissue and a blocked ovary.  Everything was repaired and we are once again "trying" to get pregnant.  I will most likely have my 5th IUI this weekend.  I have to say that if this one does not work I am most likely going to change direction and start the IVF process.  I just believe that after 5 times if it doesn't work, then it isn't the right route for us.  I have had friends that have had 11 IUI's and I just can't see myself doing that.  I would rather move onto something where my odds of getting pregnant are higher.  This has been an exhausting two years.  I have to say though that this experience has brought me closer to my husband.  Even though I rarely feel that things are going my way, I know that I am lucky to have my husband.  He is the most amazing man I have ever met.  He is so patient and kind with me, even though I know I can be hard to be around.  He has been so awesome through this entire journey.  I know that a lot of guys could just leave or run away but Gregg has never left my side.  He is my best friend.  It really sucks but I have found that when you go through hard times a lot of people are too wrapped up in their own lives to care about what  you are going through.
 When I had my surgery it was amazing to me how many of my so called "friends" didn't call or come to visit.  Even members of my own family.  I have to admit at first I was really hurt by this but then I just came to the conclusion that I would rather have the few GREAT friends than a bunch of people who are just faking.  I know as we get older "life" tends to get in the way and we don't have as much time to spend hanging out.  I just really feel like it is important.  I know that I don't have the busyness of a child either,  but I know that it won't change the way I feel.  It is not that hard to find time at least once or twice a month to grab a drink or dinner and catch up.  I feel like I am constantly the one that one that is trying to keep my friendships going and it is tiring at times.  Honestly it makes me feel expendable and not important.  Call me "clingy" or "whiny", I don't care.  I chose you to be my friend for reason.  I like you and I like being around you.
Well I am done ranting.  I am going to go clean now.  Hope everyone is enjoying the break from the rain right now.  I honestly didn't know when I was ever going to see the sun again!!!!

New Woman

So tomorrow I am having three different procedures done for this stupid infertility.  I have to say that I am kind of nervous even though it won't be that big of a deal.  I have never had to be cut open before!  My recovery time is two days and I will be back to work on Tuesday.  I know this sounds weird but I almost want them to find something so that we can find a cause for the reason we are not getting pregnant and fix it.  I can't believe that it has been almost two years we have been trying.  I know deep in my heart that I will be pregnant some day but I am really sick of other people telling me "it will happen" or "it will happen when you least expect it".  The latter of these two phrases really makes me laugh because I know that there will never be time when I am not expecting it!!!  I am going to think about it people.  I want to be a mom more than anything in this world.  Not thinking about it is out of the question.
I am definitely trying to stay busy by doing community theatre and bible study but just because I am busy with other things does not mean that I am not still thinking about getting pregnant.  I know that people are probably sick of hearing me talk about it, and believe me I am sick of going through it.  Every month I am not pregnant I feel myself slipping deeper and deeper into this hole.  I have done a lot better job of trying to stay positive but I can't help but feel broken inside.
My husband told me the other day that he has noticed a change in me since I have started going to bible study.  He said that I am much more peaceful.  That made my whole day because that is exactly what I am striving to be.  Learning more about the women that God wants me to be has been an awesome experience and I have all the women in my bible study and my mother-in-law to thank for that.  I feel like my new journey with Christ is like a new beginning in my life.  I am thinking about being baptized soon and that also makes me very excited.  I was baptized when I was 21 at a church I was attending in college but I now realize that I didn't get baptized for the right reasons.  Now I know that I want to continue on this spiritual journey for the rest of my life and I am in it for me and no one else.
Sorry if any of that sounds cheesy to any of you (believe me I never thought I would ever blog about God and christianity) but my life has been changed and I can't help but rejoice and share my joy with everyone.

Whoa Tiger....Calm Down

 A couple of months ago I had lunch with a friend from high school that had read a post I put on Face book about infertility.  She had confided in me and told me that she went through the same thing.  She had 11 unsuccessful IUI's and and finally got pregnant doing IVF.  She told me during our lunch that she had found it helpful to talk to other women going through the same thing and suggested that I try going to this website called thebump.com and read what other women are writing and maybe post things myself.  She warned me though that these women were very bitter and to tread lightly because they get angry very fast.  I thought to myself "I am angry and bitter as well about this whole process so this will be great!"  So for the past couple of months I have reading and posting on the infertility message board.  I found it to be very calming and helpful to talk to women that were going through the same thing I was going through.  I offered advice to those that were struggling through through the two week wait and to those just starting out with IUI's.  Most of the women were doing IVF so I felt that I couldn't offer them any advice but I prayed for all of the women on the board consistently.  Well today I posted something on the board about how hubby and I took a break this month due to the fact I was supposed to have a laparoscopy surgery and I asked the women if any of them had taken breaks and if they did, were there periods still 28 days or were they longer and I asked if I should take a pregnancy test or not. Soooooo, the responses I got were outrageous:

"It's not our fault that you asked a really silly question.  If you only come here to do this, you will not be well received.  This you would know if you spent any time on this board.  Best of luck to you."


"Uh No. This is NOT cool. At all. Go Away. If you were truly infertile, you would have never asked this dumba$$ question to begin with."


So as you can see I was outraged.  How can women who can clearly see on my profile that I am going through infertility be so nasty?  I did receive some nice words of wisdom from the more sane women on the board but mostly is was all mean.  I can see now why my friend warned me about this message board and needless to say I will not be posting on there anymore.  I need to find another place to grieve with more understanding (and sane) women.  

To worry or not to worry

Hello,
I haven't posted in a while because I am on vacation and I have not been around a computer but I now have my mom's computer and some time so I thought I would post something. 
As you all know from my other blogs I have been trying to get pregnant for about 2 years now and for that entire two years I have always known what day of my cycle I am on.  Well since the surgery this month was a bust I just didn't start counting my days.  So as I sit here on the beach in Florida I have no idea where I am in this cycle.  Now on one hand this is very freeing but on the other I am kind of freaking out!! I feel a little out of control.  Like I am off some sort of schedule.  I am sure that if I go back and look at a calendar I could figure it out but I am not entirely sure I want to do that.  I guess I just need that permission that it is ok not to worry for a minute.  I hate feeling like everyday I am getting older and my chances of getting pregnant are going down.  I want to have lots of kids and I know that time frame is getting smaller. 
So for now everyone I am going back to reading my book (Water For Elephants....it is soooo good so far) and not counting my days and hope that the weather and the sound of the waves makes me feel better. 

Thoughts

So as I sit here at my job (I am a nanny and the kids are asleep) thoughts are flooding my brain.  I was supposed to have this LAP surgery last Thursday to see if I have endometriosis  and I ended up having to cancel it due to the fact that I got the flu.  Now I am debating on whether or not to reschedule.  Ever since going to my RE  months ago I have done everything he says to do because I want to increase my odds of getting pregnant.  There is just something about this surgery that I am weary about.  It is a very expensive surgery but not very invasive.  I don't think it is the surgery itself I am scared of.  I think I am scared they aren't going to find anything and I will feel like I wasted my money.  I don't know.  I think our plan is to try naturally for a couple of months and then go to IVF.  Honestly I never thought it would come to IVF.  I thought maybe we would just need a couple of IUI's and then we would be pregnant.  The very fact that we have had to wait this long depresses me even more.
In other news, I auditioned for Cinderella on Sunday and I am anxiously awaiting the cast list that is supposed to come out later this week.  It is kind of nice to be anxious about something else for a change.  For those that know me, you know I am not a girly girl.  I don't really like to dress up, I just bought my first pair of big girl heels last year (I had to have friends come help) and wearing makeup is usually a pain in the butt.  For some reason, I have always wanted to play a princess on stage.  I don't know if it is the songs that they get to sing or the big ball gowns but I want it all!!!! I love being on stage and know that everyone is watching and listening to me.  I have a great group of friends that always come to my shows no matter what.  My amazing husband usually comes more than once when I am in a show and knowing he is in the audience makes me want to do 10 times better because he is my biggest critic.
Well I guess that is all that is on my mind at this moment.  Thanks to those few that will read this.  I really enjoy writing this blog.  Any suggestions would be helpful.

The Beginning

So I have wanted to start a blog for some time now but I don't consider myself a writer and so I never believed I was a blogger.  I have a lot on my mind everyday though and so I think that blogging might help.  So let me start from the beginning.
I have wanted to be a mom for as long as I can remember.  One of the many reasons that I married my husband is because I know that he wants kids as much as I do and I know that we are going to be amazing parents.  Two weeks before we got married I got off the pill in hopes of getting pregnant on our honeymoon.  Pretty much all of my friends that have kids decided when they were going to get pregnant and it happened so I thought that would happen for me.  Little did I know that one miscarriage, 2 years and 4 failed IUI's later I would still NOT be pregnant.  No one tells you that being infertile is going to make you go crazy, lose friends, gain faith, reconnect with people and all in all lose your mind and sense of who you are.  I think about it non-stop.  I wonder everyday when I am going to get pregnant and what is wrong with me.
Since I have been going through this it seems like everywhere I go I see someone that is pregnant or someone with a newborn or someone talking about their children.  Now I am not saying that my friends or other people I see on the street don't deserve to have babies but DAMN IT I know I am going to be an amazing mom and why is it not happening for me?
I used to be able to see myself pregnant.  I would constantly be walking around rubbing my belly even though I knew there was nothing inside it. I have lost that feeling and more than anything that scares the shit out of me.  I know I am a good wife and friend but sometimes I wonder "what is the meaning of my existence if I can't be a mom of a child that I carry?"
The one good thing that has come from all of this is my relationship with God.  I have always considered myself a spiritual person, believing in something more.  I just never had a close relationship with God.  I was baptized when I was 21 and felt like I knew Him then but I realize now I was just going through the motions.  I have joined a Bible Study that has absolutely changed my life.  When I am there I feel like people get me.  It is the one place where I can talk about myself and not feel selfish.  I know that the women there honestly care about me and my well being.  Every week I can't wait for Thursdays.
So this is "the beginning" of my story.  I hope that I continue to write a lot because I want to put my story out there.  Maybe I can help someone else or maybe I can just find people that really like to read what I write.