To worry or not to worry

Hello,
I haven't posted in a while because I am on vacation and I have not been around a computer but I now have my mom's computer and some time so I thought I would post something. 
As you all know from my other blogs I have been trying to get pregnant for about 2 years now and for that entire two years I have always known what day of my cycle I am on.  Well since the surgery this month was a bust I just didn't start counting my days.  So as I sit here on the beach in Florida I have no idea where I am in this cycle.  Now on one hand this is very freeing but on the other I am kind of freaking out!! I feel a little out of control.  Like I am off some sort of schedule.  I am sure that if I go back and look at a calendar I could figure it out but I am not entirely sure I want to do that.  I guess I just need that permission that it is ok not to worry for a minute.  I hate feeling like everyday I am getting older and my chances of getting pregnant are going down.  I want to have lots of kids and I know that time frame is getting smaller. 
So for now everyone I am going back to reading my book (Water For Elephants....it is soooo good so far) and not counting my days and hope that the weather and the sound of the waves makes me feel better. 

Thoughts

So as I sit here at my job (I am a nanny and the kids are asleep) thoughts are flooding my brain.  I was supposed to have this LAP surgery last Thursday to see if I have endometriosis  and I ended up having to cancel it due to the fact that I got the flu.  Now I am debating on whether or not to reschedule.  Ever since going to my RE  months ago I have done everything he says to do because I want to increase my odds of getting pregnant.  There is just something about this surgery that I am weary about.  It is a very expensive surgery but not very invasive.  I don't think it is the surgery itself I am scared of.  I think I am scared they aren't going to find anything and I will feel like I wasted my money.  I don't know.  I think our plan is to try naturally for a couple of months and then go to IVF.  Honestly I never thought it would come to IVF.  I thought maybe we would just need a couple of IUI's and then we would be pregnant.  The very fact that we have had to wait this long depresses me even more.
In other news, I auditioned for Cinderella on Sunday and I am anxiously awaiting the cast list that is supposed to come out later this week.  It is kind of nice to be anxious about something else for a change.  For those that know me, you know I am not a girly girl.  I don't really like to dress up, I just bought my first pair of big girl heels last year (I had to have friends come help) and wearing makeup is usually a pain in the butt.  For some reason, I have always wanted to play a princess on stage.  I don't know if it is the songs that they get to sing or the big ball gowns but I want it all!!!! I love being on stage and know that everyone is watching and listening to me.  I have a great group of friends that always come to my shows no matter what.  My amazing husband usually comes more than once when I am in a show and knowing he is in the audience makes me want to do 10 times better because he is my biggest critic.
Well I guess that is all that is on my mind at this moment.  Thanks to those few that will read this.  I really enjoy writing this blog.  Any suggestions would be helpful.

The Beginning

So I have wanted to start a blog for some time now but I don't consider myself a writer and so I never believed I was a blogger.  I have a lot on my mind everyday though and so I think that blogging might help.  So let me start from the beginning.
I have wanted to be a mom for as long as I can remember.  One of the many reasons that I married my husband is because I know that he wants kids as much as I do and I know that we are going to be amazing parents.  Two weeks before we got married I got off the pill in hopes of getting pregnant on our honeymoon.  Pretty much all of my friends that have kids decided when they were going to get pregnant and it happened so I thought that would happen for me.  Little did I know that one miscarriage, 2 years and 4 failed IUI's later I would still NOT be pregnant.  No one tells you that being infertile is going to make you go crazy, lose friends, gain faith, reconnect with people and all in all lose your mind and sense of who you are.  I think about it non-stop.  I wonder everyday when I am going to get pregnant and what is wrong with me.
Since I have been going through this it seems like everywhere I go I see someone that is pregnant or someone with a newborn or someone talking about their children.  Now I am not saying that my friends or other people I see on the street don't deserve to have babies but DAMN IT I know I am going to be an amazing mom and why is it not happening for me?
I used to be able to see myself pregnant.  I would constantly be walking around rubbing my belly even though I knew there was nothing inside it. I have lost that feeling and more than anything that scares the shit out of me.  I know I am a good wife and friend but sometimes I wonder "what is the meaning of my existence if I can't be a mom of a child that I carry?"
The one good thing that has come from all of this is my relationship with God.  I have always considered myself a spiritual person, believing in something more.  I just never had a close relationship with God.  I was baptized when I was 21 and felt like I knew Him then but I realize now I was just going through the motions.  I have joined a Bible Study that has absolutely changed my life.  When I am there I feel like people get me.  It is the one place where I can talk about myself and not feel selfish.  I know that the women there honestly care about me and my well being.  Every week I can't wait for Thursdays.
So this is "the beginning" of my story.  I hope that I continue to write a lot because I want to put my story out there.  Maybe I can help someone else or maybe I can just find people that really like to read what I write.