The Beginning

So I have wanted to start a blog for some time now but I don't consider myself a writer and so I never believed I was a blogger.  I have a lot on my mind everyday though and so I think that blogging might help.  So let me start from the beginning.
I have wanted to be a mom for as long as I can remember.  One of the many reasons that I married my husband is because I know that he wants kids as much as I do and I know that we are going to be amazing parents.  Two weeks before we got married I got off the pill in hopes of getting pregnant on our honeymoon.  Pretty much all of my friends that have kids decided when they were going to get pregnant and it happened so I thought that would happen for me.  Little did I know that one miscarriage, 2 years and 4 failed IUI's later I would still NOT be pregnant.  No one tells you that being infertile is going to make you go crazy, lose friends, gain faith, reconnect with people and all in all lose your mind and sense of who you are.  I think about it non-stop.  I wonder everyday when I am going to get pregnant and what is wrong with me.
Since I have been going through this it seems like everywhere I go I see someone that is pregnant or someone with a newborn or someone talking about their children.  Now I am not saying that my friends or other people I see on the street don't deserve to have babies but DAMN IT I know I am going to be an amazing mom and why is it not happening for me?
I used to be able to see myself pregnant.  I would constantly be walking around rubbing my belly even though I knew there was nothing inside it. I have lost that feeling and more than anything that scares the shit out of me.  I know I am a good wife and friend but sometimes I wonder "what is the meaning of my existence if I can't be a mom of a child that I carry?"
The one good thing that has come from all of this is my relationship with God.  I have always considered myself a spiritual person, believing in something more.  I just never had a close relationship with God.  I was baptized when I was 21 and felt like I knew Him then but I realize now I was just going through the motions.  I have joined a Bible Study that has absolutely changed my life.  When I am there I feel like people get me.  It is the one place where I can talk about myself and not feel selfish.  I know that the women there honestly care about me and my well being.  Every week I can't wait for Thursdays.
So this is "the beginning" of my story.  I hope that I continue to write a lot because I want to put my story out there.  Maybe I can help someone else or maybe I can just find people that really like to read what I write.