mindless chatter

Hello everyone,
I am at work and I just put the kids down.  I am exhausted today.  I don't know if it is all this rain or if it is my hormones.  Since the last time I posted I have had and recovered from my surgery.  I am glad to report that my doctor did find some things.  I ended up having stage 2 endometriosis, lots of scar tissue and a blocked ovary.  Everything was repaired and we are once again "trying" to get pregnant.  I will most likely have my 5th IUI this weekend.  I have to say that if this one does not work I am most likely going to change direction and start the IVF process.  I just believe that after 5 times if it doesn't work, then it isn't the right route for us.  I have had friends that have had 11 IUI's and I just can't see myself doing that.  I would rather move onto something where my odds of getting pregnant are higher.  This has been an exhausting two years.  I have to say though that this experience has brought me closer to my husband.  Even though I rarely feel that things are going my way, I know that I am lucky to have my husband.  He is the most amazing man I have ever met.  He is so patient and kind with me, even though I know I can be hard to be around.  He has been so awesome through this entire journey.  I know that a lot of guys could just leave or run away but Gregg has never left my side.  He is my best friend.  It really sucks but I have found that when you go through hard times a lot of people are too wrapped up in their own lives to care about what  you are going through.
 When I had my surgery it was amazing to me how many of my so called "friends" didn't call or come to visit.  Even members of my own family.  I have to admit at first I was really hurt by this but then I just came to the conclusion that I would rather have the few GREAT friends than a bunch of people who are just faking.  I know as we get older "life" tends to get in the way and we don't have as much time to spend hanging out.  I just really feel like it is important.  I know that I don't have the busyness of a child either,  but I know that it won't change the way I feel.  It is not that hard to find time at least once or twice a month to grab a drink or dinner and catch up.  I feel like I am constantly the one that one that is trying to keep my friendships going and it is tiring at times.  Honestly it makes me feel expendable and not important.  Call me "clingy" or "whiny", I don't care.  I chose you to be my friend for reason.  I like you and I like being around you.
Well I am done ranting.  I am going to go clean now.  Hope everyone is enjoying the break from the rain right now.  I honestly didn't know when I was ever going to see the sun again!!!!

New Woman

So tomorrow I am having three different procedures done for this stupid infertility.  I have to say that I am kind of nervous even though it won't be that big of a deal.  I have never had to be cut open before!  My recovery time is two days and I will be back to work on Tuesday.  I know this sounds weird but I almost want them to find something so that we can find a cause for the reason we are not getting pregnant and fix it.  I can't believe that it has been almost two years we have been trying.  I know deep in my heart that I will be pregnant some day but I am really sick of other people telling me "it will happen" or "it will happen when you least expect it".  The latter of these two phrases really makes me laugh because I know that there will never be time when I am not expecting it!!!  I am going to think about it people.  I want to be a mom more than anything in this world.  Not thinking about it is out of the question.
I am definitely trying to stay busy by doing community theatre and bible study but just because I am busy with other things does not mean that I am not still thinking about getting pregnant.  I know that people are probably sick of hearing me talk about it, and believe me I am sick of going through it.  Every month I am not pregnant I feel myself slipping deeper and deeper into this hole.  I have done a lot better job of trying to stay positive but I can't help but feel broken inside.
My husband told me the other day that he has noticed a change in me since I have started going to bible study.  He said that I am much more peaceful.  That made my whole day because that is exactly what I am striving to be.  Learning more about the women that God wants me to be has been an awesome experience and I have all the women in my bible study and my mother-in-law to thank for that.  I feel like my new journey with Christ is like a new beginning in my life.  I am thinking about being baptized soon and that also makes me very excited.  I was baptized when I was 21 at a church I was attending in college but I now realize that I didn't get baptized for the right reasons.  Now I know that I want to continue on this spiritual journey for the rest of my life and I am in it for me and no one else.
Sorry if any of that sounds cheesy to any of you (believe me I never thought I would ever blog about God and christianity) but my life has been changed and I can't help but rejoice and share my joy with everyone.

Whoa Tiger....Calm Down

 A couple of months ago I had lunch with a friend from high school that had read a post I put on Face book about infertility.  She had confided in me and told me that she went through the same thing.  She had 11 unsuccessful IUI's and and finally got pregnant doing IVF.  She told me during our lunch that she had found it helpful to talk to other women going through the same thing and suggested that I try going to this website called thebump.com and read what other women are writing and maybe post things myself.  She warned me though that these women were very bitter and to tread lightly because they get angry very fast.  I thought to myself "I am angry and bitter as well about this whole process so this will be great!"  So for the past couple of months I have reading and posting on the infertility message board.  I found it to be very calming and helpful to talk to women that were going through the same thing I was going through.  I offered advice to those that were struggling through through the two week wait and to those just starting out with IUI's.  Most of the women were doing IVF so I felt that I couldn't offer them any advice but I prayed for all of the women on the board consistently.  Well today I posted something on the board about how hubby and I took a break this month due to the fact I was supposed to have a laparoscopy surgery and I asked the women if any of them had taken breaks and if they did, were there periods still 28 days or were they longer and I asked if I should take a pregnancy test or not. Soooooo, the responses I got were outrageous:

"It's not our fault that you asked a really silly question.  If you only come here to do this, you will not be well received.  This you would know if you spent any time on this board.  Best of luck to you."


"Uh No. This is NOT cool. At all. Go Away. If you were truly infertile, you would have never asked this dumba$$ question to begin with."


So as you can see I was outraged.  How can women who can clearly see on my profile that I am going through infertility be so nasty?  I did receive some nice words of wisdom from the more sane women on the board but mostly is was all mean.  I can see now why my friend warned me about this message board and needless to say I will not be posting on there anymore.  I need to find another place to grieve with more understanding (and sane) women.