Emotional Rant

Wow it has been a long time since I have blogged.  In all honesty things have just been really crazy and I never sit down in front of the computer anymore.  I am involved in a christian book study and a regular book study so anytime I am sitting down I feel like I need to be reading instead of on my computer.  For my christian book study we are reading "Everybody Is Normal Until You Get To Know Them" by John Ortberg.  It is sooooo good.  It really digs into everyday relationships and community and what God had in mind for us in both of these aspects.
The book I am reading for my regular book club is called "A Discovery of Witches" by Deborah Harkness.  It is about vampires and witches and an old document that was discovered.
Anywho,
This past month has been a long crazy emotional roller coaster.  On saturday it will be exactly one year that we had a D&C.  I can't believe that it has been that long.  Everyone told us we would get pregnant right away after the D&C and then we didn't.  Then I had the laparoscopy and everyone said we would get pregnant right after that and we didn't.  It has just been a long vicious cycle.  Yes I am hormonal and yes I am emotional.  I know this.  I feel like everyone is trying to change who I am to try and get me out of this rut but the truth is, I am comfortable in my unhappiness right now.  I have always been a very emotional and sensitive person and anytime anything hard comes up in my life I deal with it the same way.  I am who I am and if you don't like it then I suggest you stay away.  I have friends come and go and I would be lying if I said it didn't hurt when they left but I have to move on without them.  I have learned my whole life that nothing is constant and so this pain I am feeling now can not go on forever.  I will always grieve the loss of my twins and never forget them but I know when I finally do have my baby or babies in my arms that the world will be right.  I am going to be a wonderful mom and I can only hope that my children are as sensitive and emotional as I am.  I just  hope that they have more self worth than I do.  I do not nor have I ever thought very highly of myself.  I don't feel as if I bring very much to this world.  There is not one thing that I am good at.  I can't contribute much to intelligent conversation and I barely got by in school.  I have never had a very important job nor have I ever been very important to anyone.  I know my husband and my friends will say they love and care about me but sometimes I wonder why?  My husband is one of the smartest people I know.  When we have conversations he uses his intellect and I am always stuck using my heart and that never gets me very far. One of my best friends Jayme knows everything there is to know about football and the Green Bay Packers.  She writes so eloquently and passionately about sports.  She gets paid to talk about what she loves.  She works for a non-profit and helps people everyday.  My other best friend is a prominent banker and a mother of 4.  She walks through life with her head up and I am so proud of her every day. I am learning to except that I am just average.  As the thunder rumbles outside and the rain starts to come down, I find myself starting to relax.  The rain is my favorite thing.
So now that I have rambled on forever I am going to go.  I hope everyone is having a good wednesday.  Only one more work day for me.  Next week is going to be a good week.  I am taking an acting class and going to my first infertility support group meeting.  I also have the 311 concert next weekend.  This weekend is one of my besties birthdays! So I am going to be busy busy.  I am going to have to catch up on my sleep.  Ta Ta everyone.